Back to the Business of Being Me 

The past two and a half years have been awesome. I've had hard times (unemployment), but I remember thinking how much I loved my life and I loved my roommates and I loved being me (if only I could get Bassett to move back! Wendy's a lost cause at this point). I used to get on the metro and think, "man, these people look so sad. Life can be rough." They looked like they had little black clouds over their heads, and I felt for them, but I was grateful it wasn't me! (Is that selfish?) 

Then a couple Tuesdays ago, I had a black cloud over my head. For the first time in a long time, I felt next to normal; I was seriously hurting—and it persisted. It was heavy, intense, and constant. It wasn't something I could shake. But it's taught me empathy. I feel like I've learned volumes—not just relating to this specific life experience—and life lessons have just been poured into my brain. It was hard, but I wouldn't trade it for anything, and I'll never ask for it again either. That stuff is rough!

As I've thought over my experience, I've looked back and seen so many places where I could have been helping hands to people, and I wasn't. I don't think I understood hurt, or at least I forgot what it was like to hurt. What persists in my mind is all of the people I know who are going through trials that I don't understand: my former boss whose husband is dying; my friend who unknowingly became an illegal alien and is now stuck; my friends who have broken off engagements; someone I dated who told me the breakup was really hard, and I wasn't sympathetic; a friend who has grappled with long-term depression; and all this I just didn't understand.

Thank goodness the black cloud has turned into a gray mist. And mists are pretty. You know you're coming out of it, and the sunlight reflects in beautiful and unique ways. I've been a pretty selfish person internally and so insular (adj.: characteristic of an isolated people; especially : being, having, or reflecting a narrow provincial viewpoint), and I've decided it's time to serve in a capacity I've never served before. 

I'm excited to have crazy adventurous ideas again and go exploring because I want to and do my own thing because I'm curious about life and dream up exotic exploritory travels and talk to my friends for hours and act on my spontaneous ideas and dance in my room with all my intensity and walk new neighborhoods because they're fun to see; I'm excited to get back to the business of being me—a better me.

Testing, Testing—1, 2, 3

I've noticed a trend with girls who have been in relationships that just aren't right. When the relationship is over, and they are healing, they say, "I'm starting to feel like myself again," often implying they couldn't be themselves when in the relationship. I think this in and of itself is a sign that it wasn't right. Authenticity (noun: true to one's own personality, spirit, or character) is where it's at. We tend to hold back in relationships, but it's not worth it. Be true to yourself. If they like you great; they like you for who you are, and that's the goal. If not, it's not worth continuing because there's a better fit out there.

Every now and again I test my emotional health—when I think I can hack it. Initially, it's important to detach completely. If I don't, I don't heal quickly and (more) easily. But then there comes a time where I want to know where I am—really. There are a couple tests for that. The hardest is picturing him flirting or on a date with a girl you could tell he was attracted to. Yikes. It is a rough test and reminds me of the first time I went through a breakup in high school. The song, "It Makes Me Ill" by N'Sync comes to mind. But I want you to know, that at least in theory, I've past the test a few times, and I'm feeling okay.

The second test isn't one that's easily controlled. It's when your heart is finally attracted to someone else. I believe strongly in locking the heart when dating someone. If there's attraction for someone else, avoid it completely, and be true to the person you're dating. But then there comes a day when you're not in a relationship anymore. And you can be attracted to other people. And then you are. It kind of happened last night. There's a guy someone told me was interested in me, and he got my number. He's definitely the type of guy I could be interested in, but it's still a little too soon to tell, and my heart's still weak, but when he came back into the room once, my heart responded. And I could tell I'm on the path to recovery!

How to Survive a Breakup

I'm not an expert on breaking up, but I have a little bit of experience. I think this is number eight officially and number who knows what unofficially, so here's my advice:
 

• Pray, pray, pray. There is nothing more important than communicating with the Lord and asking for very, very specific help. And He will help. Also, don't forget to pray for the other person too! They need just as much help as you do. And be altruistic about it.
• Fast. Just like prayer, this has helped me leaps and bounds. Be specific.
• Read scriptures and conference talks about doing the Lord's will and bearing trials. It helps put and keep things in an eternal perspective. Especially the conference talk http://lds.org/general-conference/2010/04/all-things-work-together-for-good?lang=eng&query=%22all+things+work+together+for+good%22
• Be mature. In more recent breakups, I haven't had this problem, but initially it was easy to blame or be angry, but these are unhealthy thoughts and emotions. Be humble. Do everything you know how to do to be fair to that person because you care about them. 
• Accept how that person feels and how you feel, and move on.
• Keep yourself extremely busy—especially on Friday and Saturday nights, and make sure you don't see him on those nights, or you'll relapse for sure!
• I dated a guy once who had been engaged before. The weekend of the wedding, he realized that it couldn't happen for legit reasons. So he called off the wedding the night before. He told me that what got him through it was staying as busy as possible. Always have something to do.
• Clear your life of things that trigger thoughts about him. I know that's hard to do!—it really is because you care—but do it for your emotional health. You're going to have things that trigger thoughts no matter what, so minimize it. Erase the text messages and voice mails you saved (you know you do it, girls!).
• Listen to Ingrid Michaelson. So that's just my thing, but find music you love, and listen to it a lot.
• Dance like crazy in your room, and go dancing. I think it's one of the best ways to get emotional energy out, and it's fun to be with other people.
• Exercise. This is another important catharsis (noun: a purification or purgation that brings about spiritual renewal or release from tension)
• Let it hurt. When it hurts, put one foot in front of the other, and keep on going. You'll get through it; it's hard to realize while experiencing it, but pain is an emotion that compresses large lessons into short periods of time, so embrace the learning experience, and try to see it while it's happening.
• Write it all in your journal. You are going to learn so much. Keep those lessons for yourself, and your children, because most likely they are going to go through something similar at one point or another, and you will be so sage if you can relate to them and give them exactly what they need because you've been through it.
• Find out what your boundaries are and what you need in your support network, and ask your friends to help you in the specific areas you know you are weak. If you know it's about to happen, preemptively prepare them so they are ready right away. 
• Keep talking to your closest friends and people you trust about it. Get feedback because often we are so myopic in our perspective.
• Don't look at his Facebook page. When you realize you have the urge to know about him, exercise self control, and don't look for his car, don't look at his window, don't try to talk to his roommates about him, don't try to bump into him randomly, and don't try to find out about him through other people, don't communicate with him initially unless it really will help in the healing process for you or him. But if you do any of these things, don't get mad at yourself; just be stronger next time.
• Don't blame the other person. Don't blame yourself. Trust that you tried your best, and pick yourself up, and move on.
• Don't listen to melancholy music or love songs. Just don't.
• Finally, remember, time heals most things—if you let it.

 

An Ode to Wendy Wittwer Knell 

This will be simple because I have very few words to describe what I feel right now, but I love that woman. It was seeing someone you know well in a new context, where life experience should be separating you, and yet you rediscover that you know and love her for all the reasons you always knew.

And there they were, a newly married couple, so happy, and yet the same people I've known. She's still the same her, just progressed, and David's still the same him, just progressed. And I realized that I miss her. And it was beautiful. 

(So this was not really an ode [noun: a lyric poem usually marked by exaltation of feeling and style, varying length of line, and complexity of stanza form]; but the title just was.)

On Growing Strong

"I can do hard things." I saw that every day for probably a year when I shared a room with Lynn Smart. I didn't realize the power of seeing a printed word consistently. Andrea Bassett told me that she thought of that quote the other day too. We both laughed and said, "that one above Lynn's desk!"

This may sound strange because breakups are hard, but I love what I'm learning from this. I love that it's hard. I love that it hurts. I love that I can see growth in myself. I love that I feel stronger. I love that I lost my phone at the most poignant time and had to grapple (verb: to come to grips with) with everything alone with God. I'm seeing again in myself that I can do hard things. And after this, I will be able to do even harder things.

Logic versus Emotion

Observation #152: It's nice when you make it through phase one of the post-break experience. It's the point where you realize you are going to be fine, and you feel like yourself again. Of course logically you knew all along you'd be fine, but your emotions kept putting your logic in checkmate every other move. 

Initially you think your emotions have nothing on your logic; that's the numb phase right after the break up. You think to yourself, "this is right, and I'm totally fine. I've dealt with this before, and I can do it again." For three or four days, you're fine. Then, bam, the game begins.

Initially your pawns are picked off, then your horse, then—worst of all—your queen. Finally you're down to a mangy (adjective: having many worn or bare spots) team of chess pieces. You're in pretty sad shape. Check. Block. Check. Block. Checkmate? Then you remember the best move—switching the king and the castle. After a small go, game over. Your logic wins, your emotions subside, and you are back.

Truth be told, that move is sincere prayer. I felt His healing power today. The Atonement is real.

Practicality.

Sometimes I wonder why I'm such a realist. And then I remember.

Me: "But, dad, what if I never fall in love?"
Dad: "Then don't get married."

Me: "Mom, there's a huge fire over the ridge that's coming our way. The firefighters can't control it anymore. We're evacuating down to sleep at the chapel!"
Mom: "Okay, well let us know what happens."

Me: "Mom, it hurts so bad. What if I never find someone who has as much charity as Justin?"
Mom: "You probably won't. But maybe you'll find someone else with other qualities."

Me: "Dad, do you have any life advice for me now that I am off my mission?"
Dad: "You have the Spirit. Follow its promptings."

Me: "Mom, Rob and I broke up last week."
Mom: "You always thought that X was a problem, though. Well, this is a change of subject, but my mission companion's sons are moving to Virginia. You should look out for them if you move down there."

It's genetic!
(adj. relating to or determined by the origin, development, or causal antecedents of something)

The Editor Unedited

Truth be told, one of the reasons I don't like writing is that I hate coming back and seeing mistakes I make. So I never publish; I only write, get frustrated about it, and then save drafts. No longer. You are going to get the raw writing. Good thing there are only eight or nine of you.

So there's nothing like a hard time to get you thinking about life again. We need hard times to grow; I need to grow. And it gives me something to blog about! Finally a little fodder—a break up. I feel like I'm thinking in manuscript style of A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis. I'm my own subject for observation, and I'm going to blog about it, but don't expect any juicy gossip.

Here's something I've noticed about break-ups: we focus too much on the hard things about breaking up, which are a reality—I hurt; however, I want to focus on some perks for a bit—and there are some perks:

Here's the ultimate perk that I will briefly introduce to you tonight: the I-just-broke-up card. The power of that card is amazing (combine it with the I'm-on-my-period card, and you have it made). I have calculated that for every month of dating, you should get two and a half weeks of post-relationship card use. So that means I get about two and a half months, and I plan to put it to good use.

For example, if my roommates ever ask me to cook asparagus, as they are often wont to do, I can say, "no, probably not; I'm just broken up." And if I make a sad face, there's no way they can make me! And the truth is, it never wears out, even when they know I'm pulling the card. How can anyone with a heart say no to that? I couldn't. 

My roommates tried to put a cap on it already, but I told them that the card's powers are unlimited. They finally conceded (verb: to accept as true, valid, or accurate). (Do you like how I get away with picking out the definitions I want?) You can imagine, this is going to come in pretty handy. K, I'm out. Until next time.

I was meant to be born on a tropical island. I'm searching for a shangri-la (noun: a remote beautiful imaginary place where life approaches perfection).

One thing I've learned about setting goals is when a goal isn't working, revamp it. To add to that, when one goal is getting in the way of another goal, choose to work on the more important one (is that an aphorism?). I realized last night that my blog goal was actually taking away from my study time and sleep, and I didn't even finish the post I wrote! I felt like I was working on an assignment that I was passing in late. Not cathartic and actually counterproductive? Yes.

I haven't given up my goal of memorizing ten words a day, but I'll be remembering them with a different technique. And I'll still be getting up at 6:00 a.m. . . . wish me a good score!

Since I already wrote them out, here are yesterday's words:

1. Paean—(n) a joyful song of triumph, a hymn of praise or tribute
2. Evanescent—(adj) fleeting, tending to vanish; transient
3. Abnegate—(v) to deny oneself, to give up something desired or valuable
4. Imbroglio—(n) confused, complicated situation; entanglement
5. Deleterious—(adj) damaging, hurtful; harmful
6. Aphorism—(n) brief, often witty saying that states a truth
7. Myrmidon—(n) one who follows orders unquestioningly
8. Unctuous—(adj) oily, greasy, false and ingratiating
9. Sedulous—(adj) busy, hardworking
10. Salient—(adj) leaps out at you; conspicuous; sticks out; a salient point

Hi, blog followers! It's been a long time. But since my new GRE goal is to learn ten new words a day for twenty-eight days, could there be a better venue than Mad Libs? I say NO!

So here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to list my ten words, and then if you see me, you have to use them in conversation with me. And YOU get to see me try to weave these words into a story about my day . . . here it goes.

Here are today's ten:

1. Obdurate—(adj.) stubbornly persistent in wrongdoing, hardened in feeling, resistant to persuasion
2. Perfunctory—(adj.) done in a routine way, indifferent
3. Assuage—(v) to make something unpleasant less severe
4. Mitigate—(v) to soften, to lessen
5. Obsequious—(adj.) too eager to please, overly submissive
6. Attenuate—(v) reduce in force or degree, weaken
7. Propitiate—(v) to conciliate, to appease
8. Obviate—(v) to prevent, to make unnecessary
9. Inimical—(adj.) hostile, unfriendly
10. Intransigent—(adj.) uncompromising, refusing to be reconciled

My day started off with a little surprise. A grandfather of a cricket. He was sooooo large! We've had these obdurate little crickets in our apartment for two summers now—so I'm used to them—but this one actually scared me. He was huge and brown and huge and huge and HUGE!

I generally try to obviate any inimical feelings towards these intransigent critters by showing them the door. But sometimes they're persistent. (Crickets have never had a problem with being obsequious, and they certainly don't propitiate.)

So I may or may not have left the room to prepare a mitigated castigation for the giant creature. You would think that getting rid of crickets would be pretty perfunctory by now, but it's not so easy. Observation quickly shows you they lead happy lives jumping around a room. They love making their cricket noises. And they like living their lives relatively free of problems. Anyway, when I came back to my room, that large exoskeleton was gone! All I can say is I won't attenuate the punishment next time. Nor will I assuage.

Did I use them all? May you appreciate an on-the-spot publish.

Singing the Song of an Unsung Hero

You are about to be introduced to one of my unsung (adjective: not celebrated or praised) heroes, and he, by his request, will remain nameless.

We were eating dinner one night. I think we were at Thai food. I love Thai food. We were chit-chatting, and I remember thinking how neat it was to hear his well-educated opinions; initially he had seemed so rough around the edges. At some point during dinner, we started talking about Colette, a love of my life and my sister. She was coming home from her mission that February. "Why aren't you going home to see her?" Simple question, simple answer. "I just don't have the money." I was broke, which wasn't a problem; it just was what it was, and I had accepted it. He kept shaking his head, telling me how tragic it was I wasn't going home. It was impressively genuine, and it spun my perception of him.

Later that night, I opened my e-mail account and saw an airline ad; it was selling tickets from BWI to MHT. I thought, "Whoa! Technology is so impressive. How does it know that's exactly when I want to go to New Hampshire?!" Then a moment of realization. I looked closer and saw it was a ticket confirmation—my ticket confirmation. He had bought me a ticket home.

Fumbling for my phone, which I can never find in my purses, so ridiculous, I called him and thanked him the best way I knew how. I told him I'd pay him back as soon as I could. He was so embarrassed and a little upset: that wasn't his intention. He explained why it would be wrong if I paid him back. I couldn't argue.

There's a reason why this touches my heart so much: this was true human caring. There were no strings attached; I knew it. What he doesn't realize is that every time I see him, for a split second, I zone out of the lighthearted chit-chat at fhe or the low roar in the cultural hall during munch-and-mingle, and I experience a quiet respect for a man I consider a true gentleman.

To distract from the drama of the last post, I'm fessing (intransitive verb: to own up : confess—usually used with up) this up:

http://www.politicsunder30.org/2009/featured/what-not-to-write

Today in an Equation:

Misplaced Phone + Date Tonight = Ultimate Awkward (adjective: not easy to handle or deal with : requiring great skill, ingenuity, or care)

Blamed

Weepuls, rain, crickets, my roommate's secret admirer, and Flight of the Concords. I blame these items/H2O cycles/leaping orthopteran insects/people for my current state of insomnia and lack of sleep. Now, it's not continual (adjective: recurring in steady usually rapid succession [not to be confused with continuous]), thank goodness. I don't think I could survive. But next time I am tempted to prove to my roommate that there are such things as weepuls and that they really were super cool for school, I won't do it at 1:00 a.m.—hopefully.

Why I Live in the Coolest Apartment Ever:

1. I live with nerds and love it! I just had a discussion with my roommate about Machiavelli, Machiavelli! (biographical name: Niccolò 1469–1527 Italian politician philosopher). Did this day really happen? Wow. I'm so happy right now. I LOVED studying Machiavelli in high school, although I completely disagree with his philosophies. I about died when he showed up on an episode of the Simpsons because I was so excited.
   

The question he poses in The Prince is, "Is it better to be loved than feared?" He concludes that it's better to be feared. People will more readily fight for you if they fear you than if they love you. But is that really so? Food for thought.

As you can tell, I am also a nerd.

You Are Wrong.

If I had a dollar for every time I was told I was happy, I, well, wouldn't be rich—that'd be a gross overexaggeration—but if I invested that money in some sweet-action stocks and bonds, I would be wealthy. Well, I'm not always clouds and butterflies. I do have a list, and I'm going to share some of it with you—except for number one, which if you can guess, I will tell you, but I won't volunteer it. Things that annoy/scare me: listed as follows.

• Hair. When it's in food, it makes me gag. Yes, full on dry heave. I can't control it. Connection: tramatic experience in first grade.
• Bikers: When they get too close to me on the side walk, and they're going too fast (anything over two miles an hour), I panic. My heart beats an extra twenty-five beats per minute. Connection: bike accident.
• Big Dogs: When they run at me, it scares me, and I'm grossed out when they lick me on my face, hand, arm, leg, or foot. Connection: bitten by a dog when I was five.
• Vine-Dresser's Son Syndrome: If you're not going to do it, don't tell me you will, unless you have a really good excuse—in which case, I will gladly excuse you. Bottom line: Don't say you're going to do it if you're not. Connection: generally revolves around boys I like. Nothing kills interest faster.
• Cat Haters: Yes, people who hate cats. You know who you are. Why you hate these cute, beautiful, elegant creatures is beyond me. The only thing I don't like about them is they make me sneeze. Connection: 'nough said.
• Being Late: I know you would never guess that, and you are thinking to yourself, "if she hates being late, why is she always late?" Numbers are not my friends, people. Connection: a frustrating daily occurrence. I'm done with trying to find connections to these points.
• My Memory: I have the worst memory of anyone I know. Don't worry that one time I was introducing one of my guy friends—who I had known for three years—I completely forgot his name, and he noticed. What's more embarrassing than that? It will make me feel better if you can come up with something.
• Being Cold: I don't know how this made it to the end of the list, but it's the worst thing I can experience. When it's coupled with being tired and cold, it's even worse. Please never see me in this state. I guess there are times, though, when I'm fine with it, like the polar bear plunge or water skiing in forty degree water. I only did these activities because they were so random; how could I not?
  

Okay, that's good enough for now. And actually, I didn't really like writing that list. I need some counteraction (noun: to make ineffective or restrain or neutralize the usually ill effects of by means of an opposite force, action, or influence). Here's a little bit of the happy list, and you'll have to do without explanations.

• I love silent dance parties! They are my new favorite thing. Nothing is more hilarious than my roommate calling for a silent dance party when my other roommate is sleeping and we can't make noise. I have never seen, experienced, nor created crazier dance moves. So random, so spontaneous, and so fun. You should try it.
• Small planes flying overhead have got to be one of my favorite things ever. I can't help but relax when I hear them.
• Cut grass in the spring. Summer's coming! Summer's coming!
• My roommates' hilarious banter and esoteric references to works of art. When else in my life have I ever heard someone run down a hall to open the door while quoting great poetry of the eighteenth century?
• Daydreaming about traveling. My heart, and I'm not joking about this, skips beats, and, when I'm really excited, I can't breath at times. Isn't that what love's supposed to be like? Sometimes I feel like that song "Brandi, you're a fine girl." I'm trying, relatively, to get over it. I think there's a reason why I don't have money: I'd never settle down.
  

Now, I've been called a lot of things in my life,
but this is a new one.

I should start using it as my alias (noun: an assumed or additional name).

A Haiku (noun: an unrhymed verse form of Japanese origin having three lines containing usually five, seven, and five syllables respectively)

Mr. Cricket:

Outside my window
Normally pacifying—
Tossing: 4 a.m.

Life Update:

• Enjoying two fantastic sisters, both born this month
• Studying for the GRE
• Amazed
  
• Grateful to have three great roommates; each is an inspiration
• Starting a side business
• Overcommitted (transitive verb: to commit excessively)
• Alive
  
• Experiencing crazy situations
• Gearing up for the Baltimore Marathon
• Seeing my lack
• Thankful that God has patience
• Overjoyed for friends receiving the best of blessings
• Absorb-ing